Dating Fail #10

This is a small digression from the usual: it's a tale of the date that wasn't. True, it doesn't quite fit the mold of bad date stories--but it's a zinger nonetheless.

Charlotte loves men in uniform. As far as she's concerned, there's something irresistible about a guy in full military garb. (Case in point: at her former place of employment she worked with many members of the military, and one day she came back from lunch to find a bus parked outside her building. The side of the bus read--and she gasped audibly with delight when she saw this--United States Marine Corps. An entire busload of Marines! In the office! Happy day!)

But I digress. As you can tell by now, Charlotte loves the military types. So, it was no surprise when she found herself staring at a reeeeeaaaaalllly hot Army Ranger in a meeting one day. To her satisfaction, he was looking back. They started chatting as soon as the meeting let out, and Charlotte decided to work her game. (Never mind the whole "company ink" business, she thought. That doesn't apply when a Ranger is flirting with you.)

As they chatted, he mentioned that he was single.

Win!

And then he mentioned that he'd just gotten dumped two days prior.

Fail!

Charlotte decided to back off, stat. She totally understands the seventh ring of hell that is post-breakup misery--but she also has a policy of not being anyone's rebound fling, so she politely accepted his business card, gave him her card per standard business protocol, and said goodbye.

Lo and behold, there was an email from him the next day. She responded, trying to sound cordial. He wrote back in, like, .2 seconds. He responded so fast that it made her question if he was a phenomenal typist--imagine someone's fingers flying in a frenzied blur all over the keyboard, Looney Toons-style--or just didn't have any work to do. The email chain continued all day, and he said he'd call her when he got off work.

Now, at this point, Charlotte was just confused. She couldn't help but be excited, but he seemed...way. Too. Into her. And way. Too. Rebounding.

Charlotte's phone rang later that evening. Holy Army Ranger calling like he said he would, Batman!

They wound up chatting for a while, during which time he explicitly stated that he was interested in her. Now, Charlotte may have run around her office building looking for that busload of Marines, but she knew better than to make herself a convenient rebound for this guy. She told him she'd rather wait until he'd had a few months to recover from his breakup, and that she was unwilling to date anyone who was on the rebound. He agreed, and said he liked her that much more for being all principled and whatnot. And by the way, he added, he thought she was really attractive.

He sent her a text message the next morning to that same effect.

Not more than thirty minutes later, she booted up her computer at work. His name popped up in her Outlook.

From: ArmyRanger@WorkingForTheMan.com
To: Charlotte@WorkingForTheMan.com
Subject: Hey

Hey, so I just wanted to get your opinion on something. I woke up this morning and saw the news about a plane crash, and thought about how fragile life is. And then I thought about how Valentine's Day is coming up and how it's so important to tell the people you love that you love them.

(Editor's Note: Just wait! It gets worse!)

So then I sent my ex-girlfriend a big bouquet of flowers and a note telling her how much I still love her. Do you think I just ruined my chances of getting back together with her? Please, as a woman, be honest and tell me what you think.

Have a good day!!!

-- Ranger

Charlotte sat at her computer and sputtered. Like, the only noises she could make were little "paaaah" and "whhhha" sounds. However, this is simply because it wouldn't have been acceptable for her to scream "WHAT THE FUCK?!" in the office.

She pondered what to write back to him.

For about twenty minutes, the only responses she could come up with were profanity-laced tirades. However, profanity and work email don't mix. It's like texting while flying the Space Shuttle. Or wearing tapered leg, acid washed jeans. The point is, it's an exquisitely bad idea.

Adding to that, that tirades only make a girl look crazy. As a result, she kept pondering what to write for quite some time.

But seriously, she thought, what's wrong with him?! Does he have multiple personalities? How does one send a "you're hot" text message and a "please advise me on getting back together with my ex" email to the same person? Let alone within a thirty minute time span?!"

She took a few deep breaths and began to type.

To: ArmyRanger@WorkingForTheMan.com
From: Charlotte@WorkingForTheMan.com
Subject: RE: Hey

Listen, all women react differently. I don't know your ex. I can't and won't speak for her.

(.2 seconds later...Does he even have a job to do? She wondered.)

From: ArmyRanger@WorkingForTheMan.com
To: Charlotte@WorkingForTheMan.com
Subject: RE: RE: Hey

Good point. Thanks so much for such good advice, I thought you were going to tell me I was a headcase or something!


(Charlotte nearly smashed her head into her desk)

(She resisted the overwhelming urge to write back and say "Aah, but you are. You, sir, are utterly crazy.")

(Her head nearly smashed into her desk again)

(She resolved to skip the gym that evening and go to happy hour instead)

She didn't write back after that, but he continued writing to her for weeks. She told him she was busy.