Dating Fail #9

Claire likes tall guys. She's no Amazon woman, but she ain't short either. Ergo, she likes the guys to be less on the short side, more on the Jolly Green Giant side.

So why, exactly, she wound up being sent on a blind date with a guy half her size was totally beyond her comprehension. Maybe it was the fact that they were both really into science? Both people who have four limbs and two feet? Both...human?

He showed up with a big bouquet of flowers, which was incredibly sweet. The flowers weren't the problem. The fact that he was so diminutive he was totally lost amongst them--we're talking completely obscured--now that was a problem.

He handed her the bouquet, and Claire realized the size inequity was even worse than she thought: she was pretty sure her shoulders were twice as broad as his. And Claire gets comments from random strangers about how delicate her shoulders look. It really was that bad.

They went to dinner, and Claire grew increasingly aware of the fact that people in the restaurant were staring at them. Like, slack-jawed, saucer-eyed staring.

Oh no, she thought. I probably look like I'm on some sort of surprise reality TV show. They think I'm being punk'd. Or on candid camera. Or something.

The guy she was on a date with was, in fact, a perfectly nice and decent person. And he was clearly reaaaaallly diggin' her. And while some may think it superficial, let's call it like it is: you have to actually be attracted to your date. For some, a deal breaker is stinky breath. For others, it's mouth-breathing. For Claire, it's short dudes.

She felt like she was kicking a puppy. He was such a nice guy. But he was so. Very. Teeny.

The restaurant's patrons continued staring at Claire, who was starting to feel like a cross between an NFL linebacker and a wildebeest. She picked at her food.

Later that evening, he drove her home. As he walked her to her door, he tried to hold her hand. ("Sorry! Hands are cold! Gotta keep 'em in my pockets!") She put her key in the door to her building, and just as she turned to him to say thank you, he leapt up and tried to kiss her. Oh, noes! She dodged. He tried again. He was on his tippy-toes, jumping up in an attempt to land a smooch. She started to duck and weave, all the while trying to open the door to her apartment building. Which was sudenly stuck. Which was when she realized she was really screwed.

She felt like she was in that scene in Top Gun when Maverick and Goose are busting out every evasive maneuver in the book to get away from the MiG assault. Pull up! Barrel roll! Break turn!

*Click!*

The door to her building popped open. She jumped inside, and all her words ran together in her attempt to flee: "Thankyoufordinnerhaveagreatnightkthxbai!"