Dating Fail #6

He jumped out of his chair. His limbs flailed haphazardly. He looked like he’d just been electrocuted.

Oh no, Gloria thought. This is going to be a problem.

Gloria had just walked into a preternaturally quiet Borders café in downtown DC. She was on a first date. With a guy she’d met online.

Of course, it wound up being a spectacularly bad first date – as foreshadowed by the flailing limbs – but he’d seemed so nice when they’d emailed. So normal. So not the type of guy who would react to her entrance by looking like he’d had a close encounter with an electric socket. But there he was, flopping about like a fish on the deck of a boat, and making a ruckus in the uber-quiet café.

Once the requisite introductions were out of the way, they sat down for coffee. And that’s when things started getting really bad.

To put some context to the rest of the date: you know that scene in Austin Powers when they’re first thawing him out after he’d been cryogenically frozen for 30 years? And, in addition to denying his possession of a certain Swedish accessory, he suddenly says “I’m having trouble controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!!” Think of that scene. And then imagine it as an actual person.

That was this guy.

He could only communicate through screams. It was the loudest date Gloria had ever been on, and she had no idea what to do. People were glaring at them. (Editor’s note: you have to understand that this particular Borders café is the quietest coffee shop since the dawn of man. If you clink your spoon against your mug too loudly, you’ll get the stink eye from everyone there.) So now imagine the unnaturally quiet café and the really loud guy, and a 20 something brunette wondering what the hell to do. He continued his stream-of-consciousness shouting.

“WOW, THIS PLACE IS REALLY QUIET!” (She nodded.)

“THIS PLACE FEELS LIKE A LIBRARY BUT IT’S A BOOKSTORE NOT A LIBRARY! SO I GUESS WE DON’T HAVE TO WHISPER!” (She smiled uncomfortably and wondered if he some rare neuro-auditory disorder that rendered him unable to distinguish between his indoor voice from his outdoor voice.)

“SO I FOUND THIS BOOK ON 15TH CENTURY NAVAL BATTLES!” (She realized they had to leave there immediately or risk death by angry mob.)

“Hey, it’s a gorgeous day out. Let’s go for a walk up to Dupont,” she suggested, trying to come up with any plausible reason to get out of the café. Really, had the weather been total crap she would’ve settled for a completely implausible reason, like “Genghis Khan is about to sack and pillage this bookstore, so we have to leave right now.” But thankfully, the weather was lovely and she didn’t have to go there.

And so they walked. Gloria was just glad to be outside. Outside, where her date could, y’know, use his outside voice and not cause problems. However, this relative lack of social landmines was short-lived. As they walked by a hole-in-the-wall Afghan restaurant, he got sidetracked:

“I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO TRY AFGHAN FOOD! LET’S GO THERE! ARE YOU HUNGRY? I’M HUNGRY! COME ON!”

Now, Gloria isn’t one to turn down food. Thus, she soon found herself standing with him in line while he tried to get out of ordering the #3 combo as-is; he instead wanted the #3 combo with the side vegetable from the #4 combo. Loudly.

“I DON’T WANT THE CREAMED SPINACH I WANT THE MIXED VEGETABLE! I KNOW THE #3 DOESN’T COME WITH MIXED VEGETABLE! BUT I WANT THE MIXED VEGETABLE, NOT THE CREAMED SPINACH!”

Oh noes.

This is awful, she thought. He’s a trainwreck. Not only is he loud, he’s genuinely obnoxious. To hell with the neuro-auditory disorder theory; even if he can’t control the volume of what he says, he can control the content. Gloria knew that it was time to intervene.

“I’ll get the #4 combo with the mixed vegetable. You can have my vegetables. I’ll have your spinach. Does that solve the problem?”

“OKAY, FINE!

They sat down to eat, and she tried to steer the conversation towards more normal topics than his gym routine. (“I REALLY HATE DOING SIT-UPS! I HAVE TO DO THEM BUT I DON’T LIKE DOING THEM! THEY’RE BORING!”) Shortly after they started eating, an Afghan family came in and ordered food. You know a restaurant is good when people from that country will eat there, so when a family of observant Afghan Muslims sat down with platters of food, Gloria was thrilled.

Her date, having already established himself as the champion of discretion, immediately started saying things that made her choke on the creamed spinach. “WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE WITH RELIGION, ANYWAYS? ANIMISM? ISLAM? SATANISM? IT’S ALL THE SAME!”

Have I mentioned that there was a family of observant Muslims sitting not more than two feet from Gloria and her date? She tried to answer his question in an indoor voice – you know, lead by example! – while steering the conversation away from anything about which he could make wildly inappropriate comments. Which, as it turned out, left nothing.

“So this food is awesome,” she said. “I’ve never had Afghan food before, but it’s great. I’m glad you suggested coming here.”

“YEAH, IT’S REALLY GOOD! I WONDER IF IT’S DIFFERENT FROM PERSIAN FOOD! WE HAD A LOT OF PERSIANS IN MY TOWN! THEY WERE ALL REALLY RICH! I BET THEY ALL EMBEZZLED FROM THE SHAH AND THEN FLED TO AMERICA!”

Gloria could do nothing but blink. She was astonished. She had nothing to say. So she blinked.

Practically inhaling the last of her rice, it was time to make the great escape. “So, I’m done with my food. And I have to get back to work,” she said. (It was a Sunday.) “I should get going.”

“OKAY, I’LL WALK YOU TO YOUR OFFICE AND THEN I’LL GO TO THE GYM! I’M REALLY NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO DOING SIT-UPS!”

Oh, for the love of God, she thought. Why won’t he stop?

As they walked to the corner where she’d convinced him it’d be ok to part ways, he regaled her with more sit-up woes.

“I HATE SIT-UPS, BUT I HATE CRUNCHES MORE! DO YOU EVER DO CRUNCHES? THEY’RE AWFUL! I HATE THEM MORE THAN SIT-UPS!”

Later that afternoon, Gloria did her usual set of crunches at the gym. Plus a few extra. And she loved them, purely out of spite.