Dating Fail #3

He was hot. He was wicked smart. He knew his way around an argument. He was, giggle giggle, a senior at the Model UN conference.

Ok, so this one is a throwback—circa 1998, which means we’re talking high school. Admittedly, it can be hard to judge bad dates that happen in high school, but this one is too funny to pass up.

Diana arrived at the hotel where the Model UN conference would be held. The place was teeming with people just like us (she’s one of my dearest friends, so I can totally say this): nerds. Fabulously dorky, international affairs-obsessed nerds. For girls like us, it’s enough to make our little hearts be all aflutter. Especially when one of those guys is hot. Doubly so when he can debate like a champ.

Anyways, the guy Diana had her eye on was representing Egypt. Diana was representing the Kurds. She was their voice, their champion, their advocate for human rights and sovereignty. After a day of deliberations and discussion, Mr. Egypt asked Diana on a date. She was thrilled. She was even giggly—and believe me, Diana is not the sort of girl who gets giggly over anything.

Mr. Egypt picked her up that evening and they went to Popeye’s. Ok, she thought. It’s cool. After all, this is high school. It’s not like anybody is rolling in cash and going to Wolfgang Puck at age 18. They placed their orders, and when they walked up the cashier, Mr. Egypt suddenly left to go find a table. Ok, she thought again. I’m ok with this. I’m a modern woman, I can pay for our food and be chill with it. She paid, took their food to the table, and the typically awkward high school date ensued.

They walked back to the hotel, during which time she tried to talk about the Kurds’ human rights situation and he made jokes about tampons. Now, ok, we all know high school jokes are largely lame. (Even though I, for one, will still use “Your mom!” as a retort to things I don’t like…what?!) But tampons? Really?

Upon dropping her off at her room, he tried to kiss her. She dodged and made some sort of excuse, and that was that.

The next morning, Model UN opened with much fanfare and hoopla. First on the agenda was an announcement by the delegation from Egypt. Lo and behold, Mr. Egypt got up to speak. He then proclaimed that the Egyptians had bombed the Model UN convention on behalf of the Kurds. Let me repeat that: the delegation from Egypt had bombed the entirety of the Model UN on behalf of the Kurds.

Now if you know anything about international relations generally and Middle Eastern politics specifically, you know how utterly ridiculous that idea is. Even if you don’t, you can get a sense of its absurdity. Either way, Mr. Egypt had a full-on insurgent-style reaction to Diana’s rejection. Some may call it puppy love, but I call it guerrilla heartbreak.